Episode 83: Stop Living Other People’s Dreams

We’ve all been there. You thought you were doing amazing, but then – you logged into Facebook and quickly you’re playing the comparison game and are completely down on yourself.

Or you found yourself in the middle of doing something in your business that’s what you thought you “should” do…and it feels like a nightmare. In this episode, we’re talking just how easy it is to find yourself living other people’s dreams and how to get yourself out of that cycle for good.  
 

Here’s the scoop from Episode #83:

Real talk alert! All month long we’re getting real and going into some topics that, quite frankly, we’ve avoided talking about on the show for a long time.

Every week, as part of #sayNOvember, we’re calling out things we need to stop doing to ourselves that mess with our success and keep us and our businesses, stuck. (Or simply not loving what we do and feeling the opposite of how we really want to feel.)

So, why does this happen?  

• Firstly, the internet.  Let’s face it – it is full of messages telling us we’re not enough – in any part of our lives. We’re broken/failing/sucking – you name it – it tells us we are not living up to our potential. That what we have or where we are is not good enough.
• But all we see on social media is all the shiny happy stuff and not the messy middle. Or if we see the guts of things, it’s contrived and designed to make an emotional connection and create a feeling of unity, which will ultimately be used to manipulate us.
• We are conditioned to “keeping up with the jones”.  This is a thing – and the internet makes it worse.  It is so rampant, we probably don’t even know it is happening.
  • As women, we’re taught certain things from an early point in life.  Things like “be nice” or “be perfect” or our favorite “be a good girl”. This makes saying no and having that boundary for ourselves can be hard. (people pleasers – we’re talking to you!)
  • It takes time to recognize this and unlearn it – this is a work in progress and we are living proof right here.
• It is NOT your fault. Look – we write for a living so we know the psych tactics and we sometimes find ourselves sucked in.

Breaking Free

• Get clear on what YOUR goals and plans are
  • Ask yourself carefully “Is this mine or is this someone else’s want?”  Make sure it is what you want and not something that others make you feel that you should want – understand the why.
  • Which leads to the next one – understand when things are a “should” and not a need.
  • Learn what’s right for your business – as a service business, you need to get how the business model actually works (we will have more on that coming up in an episode later this month!)
• Curate what/who you follow and be ruthless – unsubscribe, block, unfollow, leave groups, take a break (even from Facebook or social media in general) – make sure that whatever/whomever it is is something you are truly interested in.
  • If something makes you feel bad, it probably needs to go
  • Understand your triggers – certain people or things may be a no-go. Hide ads that set you off.  Know yourself and how to manage your triggers.
• Limit your online time  – seriously.
  • Set a timer to manage how long you are on; delete apps that are too consuming; use the airplane mode on your phone or turn off your notifications; even take a sabbatical.  Set Sundays as your online-free time.  Whatever works for you.
• Cut the comparison. Harder said than done, but this is a trap EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Trust us –  we know. Stop it. Just stop it.

Your #sayNOvember homework:

• Reflect on how you may be living other people’s dreams or buying into a vision that’s not your own
• Spend some time understanding how you get sucked into it – and start saying no.
  • Remember, boundaries are a beautiful thing.

Join us next week for a conversation about how we make things harder than they need to be.